![[I Thought It Was Just Me (but it Isn't) - Brené Brown.jpg|book cover: I Thought It Was Just Me (but it Isn't) - Brené Brown]] ### I Thought It Was Just Me (but it Isn't) - Brené Brown - book notes # Shame, Confidence, and Human Connection ## Shame as an Emotion - shame is what you feel, confidence is what you think - shame doesn't work to modify behaviour - guilt says "i did something bad." shame says "i am bad" - guilt can drive change. shame drives hiding, denial, and disconnection - discussing shame is socially taboo while discussing fear and anger are being more regularly talked about - the less we talk about shame the more power it has over us - defining shame: emotion we all feel. struggle to define. difficult to listen - helps to have a shared vocabulary - shame is universal. the only people who don't feel shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection ## Shame vs Guilt - guilt: "i did something bad" //focuses on behaviour - shame: "i am bad" //focuses on self - guilt is adaptive and helpful. shame is destructive - shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, aggression, violence, bullying, suicide - guilt is inversely correlated with those same things ## What Shame Feels Like - shame is the feeling you get when you feel like you are not worthy of anyone caring about you or loving you. that you are such a bad person that you cannot blame other people for not caring about you. > *you just want the floor to swallow you up.* - shame needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence, and judgement - shame cannot survive being spoken. it cannot survive empathy ## Psychological Isolation - **Relational-Cultural Theorists** //Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver - believe that the most terrifying and destructive feeling that one can experience is *psychological isolation* - ==this is not the same as being alone== - it is the feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation - *in the extreme,* psychological isolation can cause hopelessness and desperation. people will do almost anything to escape this combination of condemned isolation and powerlessness - ==shame can make us feel desperate== ## Empathy, Courage, and Compassion - empathy is the antidote to shame - connection is why we are here. it is what gives purpose and meaning to our live ## Shame Resilience - shame resilience is the ability to move through shame while maintaining worthiness and authenticity - four elements of shame resilience: - recognising shame and understanding its triggers - practicing critical awareness //reality-checking the messages and expectations driving the shame - reaching out //sharing the story with someone who has earned the right to hear it - speaking shame //naming it > *the moment you speak shame it begins to wither.* ## Vulnerability > *vulnerability is not weakness.* > *it is our most accurate measure of courage.* - shame drives the fear of vulnerability - you cannot get to courage without walking through vulnerability > *vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.* ## Sympathy vs Empathy - empathy and sympathy are not the same thing - sympathy is a form of disconnection. empathy is a form of connection - sympathy says "i feel for you." empathy says "i feel with you" - sympathy often comes from a place above //looking down into someone's pain - empathy requires climbing down into the hole with someone > *i know what it's like down here. you're not alone.* - sympathy drives disconnection because it creates distance and power difference between people - empathy fuels connection because it requires vulnerability //feeling with someone means touching something in yourself ### what sympathy sounds like - "at least..." //minimising someone's pain by pointing to a silver lining - "it could be worse" //comparing suffering instead of sitting with it - "you should..." //moving to advice and fixing instead of being present - "i know exactly how you feel" //centring yourself in someone else's pain - "everything happens for a reason" //forcing meaning onto someone's suffering before they are ready - sympathy tries to make things better. empathy acknowledges that some things cannot be made better //they can only be witnessed ### what empathy sounds like > *i don't even know what to say right now.* > *i'm just glad you told me.* > *i've been in a similar place and it is painful.* > *you are not alone in this.* - the most powerful thing someone can say is often nothing //just being present > *empathy is a choice. a vulnerable choice.* > *because to connect with someone in pain* > *you have to connect with something in yourself that knows that pain.* ### empathy skill set - brown identifies four attributes of empathy (drawn from Theresa Wiseman's nursing research): - perspective taking //seeing the world as others see it. this requires setting aside your own perspective - staying out of judgement //not easy when you enjoy it as much as most of us do - recognising emotion in other people //this requires being in touch with your own emotions first - communicating that recognition //not just feeling it but letting the other person know you feel it - empathy is a skill that strengthens with practice. it is not something you either have or you don't ### how sympathy and empathy make others feel - when someone responds with sympathy the person in pain often feels more alone, not less - sympathy creates shame //it reinforces the idea that there is something wrong with how you feel - empathy reduces shame //it sends the message that your feelings make sense and you are still worthy of connection > *people don't want to be fixed. they want to be heard.* - the person who responds with empathy rarely needs to say the right thing //they just need to be willing to sit in the discomfort alongside you - when we receive empathy we feel relief. when we receive sympathy we feel distance > *empathy is the antidote to shame* > *because it says you are not alone and your experience is valid.* ## Missed Empathy Moments - a missed empathy moment is when someone reaches out for connection and the other person fails to meet them - these moments are not always dramatic //they can be subtle and easy to overlook - we miss empathy moments when we are too busy, too uncomfortable, or too focused on fixing - missed empathy moments are not about intent //they are about impact - the person reaching out does not experience your good intentions. they experience the disconnection - when we miss an empathy moment the person in pain often pulls back and decides it is not safe to be vulnerable again - the accumulation of missed empathy moments erodes trust and connection over time > *we can't always be perfect at empathy.* > *but we can learn to recognise when we've missed the moment and circle back.* ### common ways we miss empathy moments - **deflecting with humour** //making a joke to avoid sitting in the discomfort - **one-upping** //responding with your own story instead of staying with theirs - **rushing to fix** //jumping straight to advice instead of acknowledging the feeling - **minimising** //"it's not that bad" or "you'll be fine" - **intellectualising** //analysing the problem instead of feeling with the person - **redirecting** //changing the subject because the emotion makes you uncomfortable ## Shaming People Who Seek Empathy - one of the most destructive things we do is shame people in the very moment they are reaching out for connection - when someone is vulnerable enough to share their pain and we respond with judgement or dismissal we confirm their worst fear //that they are not worthy of connection - this happens more often than we realise and it is often unintentional > *the people who reach out and get shamed for it* > *learn to suffer in silence. and silence feeds shame.* ### how we shame people seeking empathy - telling them they are overreacting //"you're being too sensitive" - comparing their pain to someone else's //"other people have it so much worse" - questioning whether their feelings are justified //"why would that bother you?" - treating their vulnerability as a burden //"i can't deal with this right now" - using their openness against them later //weaponising what they shared in a moment of trust - responding with disappointment instead of compassion //"i thought you were stronger than that" ### the cost - people who are shamed for seeking empathy stop seeking it - they learn to hide their pain, which feeds the secrecy and silence that shame needs to grow - this creates a cycle //shame drives the need for connection but the fear of being shamed again prevents reaching out - over time this leads to the psychological isolation that Miller and Stiver describe as the most destructive human experience ## Privilege Shaming - privilege shaming happens when someone uses another person's perceived advantages to dismiss their pain - it sounds like: "you have no right to feel that way, look at everything you have" - this is a form of shame because it tells someone their feelings are invalid based on their circumstances > *pain is not a competition.* > *you cannot rank suffering and still call it empathy.* ### how privilege shaming works - it uses comparison as a weapon //"you have a house and a job, what do you have to be sad about?" - it enforces a hierarchy of suffering //only those at the bottom are allowed to feel pain - it disguises itself as perspective or gratitude //"you should be grateful" becomes a way to silence someone - it makes people feel guilty for having feelings //which layers shame on top of whatever they were already feeling - it is often done by people who genuinely believe they are helping //they think they are offering perspective when they are actually offering judgement ### why it is harmful - pain is not relative in the way privilege shaming assumes //you cannot measure one person's suffering against another's and declare one invalid - privilege does not protect people from shame, grief, loneliness, or fear - telling someone their pain does not count because others have it worse does not reduce their pain //it just adds shame to it - privilege shaming prevents people from processing their emotions honestly - it also prevents genuine connection //you cannot empathise with someone while simultaneously telling them their feelings are wrong ### privilege shaming and the shame resilience model - privilege shaming works because it exploits the fear of judgement //one of shame's three growth conditions - the person being shamed often internalises the message //"i shouldn't feel this way. something is wrong with me for feeling this" - this drives secrecy and silence //the other two conditions shame needs to thrive - countering privilege shaming requires the same shame resilience practices //recognise it, reality-check the message, reach out, and speak it ## Evidence Against Healthy Shame - growing body of evidence against healthy shame - Tangney and Dearing's research //the seminal academic work on the shame-guilt distinction - shame-proneness correlates positively with depression, anxiety, addiction, aggression, and suicidal ideation - guilt-proneness is generally adaptive and inversely correlated with those same negative outcomes - they developed the Test of Self-Conscious Affect (TOSCA) //measures individual differences in shame vs guilt proneness - shame is not a useful tool for moral development //guilt does the work that people mistakenly attribute to shame - the belief that shame keeps people in line is not supported by the data //shame leads to hiding and denial, not behaviour change - this is consistent with Brown's later popular work but comes from a clinical and empirical foundation --- ## Figures ### shame vs guilt //correlation model ```mermaid xychart-beta title "Shame vs Guilt //Correlation with Negative Outcomes" x-axis ["Depression", "Anxiety", "Addiction", "Aggression", "Suicide"] y-axis "Correlation Strength" 0 --> 1 bar [0.85, 0.70, 0.78, 0.62, 0.92] bar [0.55, 0.40, 0.50, 0.58, 0.62] ``` ### shame resilience //cyclical process ```mermaid flowchart TD A(Recognise shame and its triggers) --> B(Practice critical awareness) B --> C(Reach out and share the story) C --> D(Speak shame and name it) D -->|repeat| A style A fill:#ecf0f1,stroke:#333,stroke-width:0.6px style B fill:#ecf0f1,stroke:#333,stroke-width:0.6px style C fill:#ecf0f1,stroke:#333,stroke-width:0.6px style D fill:#ecf0f1,stroke:#333,stroke-width:0.6px ``` ### shame growth conditions $\text{Shame} \propto \underbrace{\text{Secrecy}}_{\text{hiding}} \times \underbrace{\text{Silence}}_{\text{not speaking}} \times \underbrace{\text{Judgement}}_{\text{fear of others}}$ $\lim_{\text{Empathy} \to \infty} \text{Shame} = 0$ --- ## Citations 1. Brown, B. (2006). *Shame Resilience Theory: A Grounded Theory Study on Women and Shame.* Families in Society, 87(1), 43-52. 2. Brown, B. (2007). *I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough."* Gotham Books. 3. Brown, B. (2010). *The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.* Hazelden. 4. Brown, B. (2012). *Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.* Gotham Books. 5. Brown, B. (2012). *Listening to Shame.* TED Talk, Long Beach, CA. 6. Brown, B. (2010). *The Power of Vulnerability.* TEDx Houston. 7. Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). *Shame and Guilt.* Guilford Press. 8. Miller, J. B., & Stiver, I. P. (1997). *The Healing Connection: How Women Form Relationships in Therapy and in Life.* Beacon Press. 9. Lewis, H. B. (1971). *Shame and Guilt in Neurosis.* International Universities Press. 10. Hartling, L. M., Rosen, W., Walker, M., & Jordan, J. V. (2000). *Shame and Humiliation: From Isolation to Relational Transformation.* Work in Progress, No. 88. Wellesley Centers for Women. ## Further Reading - Tangney, J. P., Stuewig, J., & Mashek, D. J. (2007). Moral emotions and moral behavior. *Annual Review of Psychology*, 58, 345-372. - Fedewa, B. A., Burns, L. R., & Gomez, A. A. (2005). Positive and negative perfectionism and the shame/guilt distinction. *Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy*, 23(1), 41-58. - Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory. In S. P. Robbins, P. Chatterjee, & E. R. Canda (Eds.), *Contemporary Human Behavior Theory* (pp. 315-341). Pearson.